All My Only Dreams...

Do I look like muslimah model? HAHA. Ok, I'm just kidding. I don't have that confident to try and be like a model. There's more beautiful people out there who are capable of becoming a model. Just look at me. I'm just that normal girl who don't have that factors to become a model. This is one of my "angan-angan mat jenin yang tak menjadi" dream. Hahaha. :) Look t my right hand, so skinny. HAHA. Anw, this picture was taken on December 2011. :)



He asked me to listen to this. Now I know,why. <3

Pantsu

Pantsu, that's in Japanese for Pants. Yeah, let's talk about me and my pants. Long pants I mean. No wait, it is not something cheeky or dirty ok, it's more like FYI type. Haha. Ok go. :)

I've been wearing pants outside of my house since the day I wore my hijab. Since the day I know, where is my aurat are. Yes I wore it when I was in Primary 5 and when I go school, I have no choice but to wear school uniform. Skirt and with my pony tail. During PE time, the attire will be sport attire and I chose not to wear track pants because I chose not to. I still wore my shorts and I really mean short above your knee. Ok not so details please. :) For some reason, I was in Primary 5.

It happened the same thing when I was in Secondary school. Yes, for 5 years of my studies there, I did not change my school uniform especially the skirt. During my sec 5, my skirt still maintain it's length and size and sometimes, I wonder, is it me who have grown up or is it the skirt? Honestly speaking, I am very comfortable with my school skirt and the only time I can use it was during school period. Shorts for PE and I don't feel embarrassed at all eventho there's guys also. Both good and bad guys. I don't feel ashamed at all. Sometimes, I love wearing those and "merayap" to anywhere with skirts. And I was only 16 years old. Noone stops me too.

But when come to ITE, I remembered trying the school skirt after buying it, I tried and to my surprise, the skirt was so tight and short. The length is above my knee length and it was super duper tight and I felt like I'm a whore. Seriously. Mom was so shocked and I was a bit upset to the fact that why on earth did the tailor made this kind of super short and tight fitting skirt? Straightaway, after trying out that, I told mom, I want to exchange the skirt to pants and without any further qns asked, mom willingly change the skirt to long pants. Alhamdulilah, I get more and more comfortable with pants. That's when my un-feminine side appear. And it was during ITE DAYS. :)

I love wearing that blue pants. It's ok if I'm the only girl wears long pants instead of skirt. During S&W time, I decided to wear track pants as I'm comfortable with long pants already. I can walk, run, slide down the hand rails from the bridge, I can sit like a guy etc. Since that, I'm interested in finding a perfect jeans for myself. Jeans and more jeans and when I go out, I love to wear something like a guy. Tops with jeans. It doesn't matter if I wear hijab, there's always long sleeve top with baggy pants. Ouh I just loveeeee it. Until now. I love to wear it to anywhere. :)

This has got me thinking, deeply eversince I wore long pants to school. Just for me and Allah to know. :)

And at home, it is a MUST to wear long pants because according to my mom, I have brother and father and aurat is aurat. No matter what, to make it easy for everyone in the house, we are only allowed to wear long pants at home. No more shorts at home and I like it this way. It's a good practice that we wear long pants at home. It's not that hard and of course it's not that hot. If you can wear long pants outside, why not at home? For me, wearing long pants at home is a sign of respect to each other. This practice will continue even when I have my own house. :)

Long Pants FTW! :D

Here without you

I missed you so much today. Idk why. It's a symptom that my love for you is way to strong to handle. I told myself to maintain. If I missed someone dearly, I can cry. If I missed someone dearly, my heart feels so heavy. I don't know why if we fall in love we must really missed each other? This is very hard. Seriously. This is painful. Told myself, be strong and please don't let this carried me away. It's a good thing I did not miss him alone, cause I know, he misses me as much I miss him. I know. I can feel it. <3

& tonight, boy, I'm here without you.

Sick plus me and you

I'm down with high fever plus sore throat and flu since Friday. I don't know how I can fall sick but all I know is, after my napfa test after I felt disappointed, I fall sick exactly after our date. Exactly after we don't have a proper goodbye where my finger touches to your lips. :( Honestly, I am very sad. Empty. Sigh.

This is the worst fever ever in 2012. I am not strong enough to be strong. I am not like any other people where I can swallow pills at a go. All I need is you by my side. I understand your situation. After all, this sickness is not that critical as it seems. Texting me hoping I'm feeling much better is a gesture that you actually care for me. I appreciate that and I love it especially when you can't sleep at night thinking about me being sick like this, I fell in love with you once again. <3 But once I recover from this fever, I want you to have a good rest and go to sleep please. :P

I am sorry for not texting you earlier because I am so down. I know you know the reason. I really missed you even without me telling you, I hope you know that. :) Okay so now, I really hope I can recover asap because I want to enjoy my February with you! USS, SLAM and more random outings with you. Anything to do with you,will always be fun and crazy! :D

& I end this post by saying I LOVE YOU,Muhammad Zulkhairi Bin Muhammed Hassan. <3



*Iammeltinggggg* K bye.

Good Friends

I miss them so much. <3 The last time we met together like this was....karaoke period? Meet up soon, please. :(

......

"If you don't know anything about me, stop talking bad about me. I know I am the EGO one, I am the Stubborn one but I'm not what you guys think I am. This is my relationship,stop asking me about my fight with my bf. We don't want any fight to happen between us. So what if there's a fight between us. This is none of your business. Let me be happy,please?"

Gurauan Berkasih

<3

Temper

Warning, this update may content vulgarities. Read it at your own risk. *peace*

I admit it that I'm losing my temper slowly. I don't have the patience anymore especially to my sister. I maybe quiet, I maybe ignorance but my heart is boiling of anger. I feel like punching her straight to her face. I feel like throwing her stuffs at her face. I feel like side kick her face. But I know, this is not the way of teaching her a lesson. Besides, she's 21 years old already. She have the brain to think. To think of what's the best for her. I admit tonight, I'm losing my temper and I'm holding back my tears.

Because whatever she did, everyone will just keep quiet even if she disrespect me. Not only that, she has gone too far by disrespecting my father. Here's the thing, my dad love to hear songs especially the karaoke type. He loves to blast it out and I myself sometimes feel so bingit but all I can do is to keep quiet and bare with it. It's his hobby. He loves it why not give him a chance to blast it out. It's not that he blast it out everyday. Only Sunday. One day out of 7 days. Itu pun susah ke? Yet, she made that pathetic face and keep on complaining that it's sooo noisy. Shouted at my dad to keep the volume down. Infront of the cousin. WHAT THE FUCK,sia. I'm sorry for the language. I am soo geram already. I stared at her and I dare not to raise my voice to her cause I respect my parents. I can't be scolding her infront of my parents. This is why, I chose to keep quiet. I hate it but I have no choice. My dad have to give in and stop everything. Come on man.

And she can't be asked around to do house chores. She will make the face and do it unsincerely. I seriously feels like urghhhh, slap her! If she think she's already working and she earn herself her own money, I hope she don't be such an arrogant bitch lah ok. Ok fine, she gave me money for my allowance. But so? Doesn't mean she have to disrespect me! I am her elder sister for goodness sake! Apa gunanye kalau belajar tinggi-tinggi tapi kurang ajar dengan orangkan. Diploma cert tu kau gi bakar lah! =/ I can't tegur her. She will answered back with loud tone. Haiz. I'm just so sad,angry,upset,disappointed! Gah!

She did it again tonight. I am sorry but you have gone too far. It's lucky, I managed to control my anger. You're lucky that I can control myself from slapping your face, throwing your stuffs away. You're so lucky.

I don't know what happened to me and abang. We're not in talking terms since last week. What is wrong with you? I didn't say anything rude to you. And why are you boycotting me? What have I done? Is it because of me not borrowing your laptop? Is it because of that small thing you don't want to see my face nor talk to me? I find it childish. You're going to get married soon, please act as one. Why you have to boycot me with this nonsense? Abang, did you know that you're being unfair to me? You didn't ask adik but when I said I'm not playing that laptop, you just merajuk like that. EH COME ON LAH! Until you didn't even give me monthly allowance? I don't want your money. But this is one of your responsibility. You're lucky that I didn't ask mom to ask you for the money. You can keep that money of yours. Seriously. I don't need it if this continues. This explain the short of money I have now. Sigh.

Sometimes, it's better if I don't have any siblings. Whatever I do, will always be wrong in their eyes. I just want to cry. I rant this because I am too sad already. I just hope everything will stop.

For now, I leave it like this.

Overdue

Fast forward to October pretty purleash? I want holiday. Holiday baby! How bout Bandung? I heard the poly friends want to go Bandung. Here goes my conversation with them recently.

Me: Man, are we going for holiday this coming Oct?
Rahman: Ape cerite tanye pasal holiday?
Umamah: Yeah, ape cerite nk gi holiday?
Syakir: Kau nak gi holiday? Kau. JANGAN MCM PAHAM. Nanti mcm that tyme tak jadi gi.
Me: *silence*
Umamah: Veera, Linda now change already sia. She asked us when are we going for holiday. *insert pathetic smile*
Veera: Wah. Linda. Yeah sia, you have change already sia.
Me: *insert smiley face ear to ear*

Of course. I asked one person with one qns and look how many of them answered. Haha. Look at their answers. Macm nk kene hakdush. Haha. Well, if there's a girl, at least I can not worry right. I'm not going there without any girls. Insaf. Hmmm.

Why they treat me like that? Sometimes, I feel so special. They picked fight with me and at the same time they treat me like their sister. Ouh well, most of them are older than me what. *shrug* I'm cute what. Ouh well. :D Ok. Enough. :P

In a meanwhile, I miss that clumsy boy who always makes me smile. Always makes me feel geram sometimes(most of the time I made him feel so geram to the extend that he just can't do anything) Boy, you're just awesome. Ok bye.



"Daripada teman menjadi cinta"

Disappointed

What would you feel when your own dad said something which is hurtful and then you see your adik laughing her ass off straight to your face? What would feel, if your own family demoralized you?

The "you" is actually me. The one in the family who is still schooling while the rest of my siblings have already working and it's time for them to earn their own money. The "you" is actually me. The one who can't do anything but to listen to their statement which is hurtful. I don't know if whatever they said yesterday was just a joke or what but I'm sure, my heart felt so sure that I'm hurt by that. If not, I won't teared. If not, I won't feel like a laughing stock for them. I. Am. Hurt.

I know. I'm not as clever as my adik. She have the brightest brain among the siblings. She always understands better than us the siblings. She finished school first than me. She had her class 3 driving license first than me. I'm her elder sister and yet I'm the last among the siblings. Honestly speaking, as her 2nd eldest sister, I am very proud of her. I am really proud of her. There's no jealousy for her. She passed and I just smiled. Mom warned me not to demoralize her and I obeyed my mom. But when come to my turn. She laughed with her finger pointing at my face. And all thanks to my dad. :'(

I am the slow one. I can't even do mathematics properly during my primary/secondary school days. My languages sucks. I failed almost all the papers during my O levels. Get into ITE and finally Poly. She graduated and I still have another 9 more months to go. During Year 1 n 2 of my poly, where I need to do my Engineering Maths, I asked adik to teach me. I thanked her for that even if she teach me just like that. I am sorry for being the slow one.

I was about to shed tears but I managed to hold back my tears yesterday. There's no point shouting at her. She will shout at me back and all I can do is to keep my mouth shut. There's no point arguing back. There's no point to fight back and debate about me. There's no point at all. I kept quiet straight away and let the parents and adik do the talking. You don't know how hurt I am. You don't know how sad I am. You don't know how disappointed I am with you. I've been tolerating and giving in to you for so many times. And I am still giving in.

In malay,"mengalah". I don't know when can I stop being so good to her. I don't know. Friends called me coward. Maybe I just love her too much till she can't see it. All I need is your support. All I want you is to back me up when dad said like that. All I want you is to show me some respect. But you didn't. I'm disappointed.

Dad, I didn't know that you gonna say something like that. I am sorry for graduating late. But you shouldn't demoralize like that. You shouldn't,dad. Being a good daughter, I didn't talk back after you said like that. I respect you as my dad. But please respect me as your daughter. You don't have to do that in front of that clever girl. I know she's started working and I know you must be proud of her. A teacher. Who doesn't feel proud? I hope you don't compare me and her. I hope no one will compare to each other in the house. We have our own skills and talents and no one is perfect.

Afterall, I have to swallow these even if it's hard to swallow. Just like my antibiotics. Haiz. =/

Wished

In the year 2008 when we were friends back then, my heart was always whispering to my ear that if only you were single at that point of the time, I would love to get close to you. I always wanted to have one close guy friend which will lead us to be in the relationship. That was all I ever wished back then. But I know, that wished was just a fantasy which leads to nothing. Haha.

3 years ago, you brought me to Chinese Garden and deep in my heart I felt so guilty for one going to such places with someone in a relationship. Deep in my heart, as I was ranting and crying, I felt like resting my head on your shoulder. I do really need a company but sometimes I also need a shoulder to lie on. It's just a wish which I can't help it but to forget it. & that's when I fell in love with you. Silently. Quietly. Secretly.

You disappeared and me, moving on with my life but I still living in fear. Fear of bumping into him. Fear of falling in love again. Fear of being called names. I wish, you were there for me at that point of a time but I know who am I to you to depend on you? Friend? I still have the them and I am very thankful that they were there by my side always. Working as a library assistant and applied school at the same time. Only god knows how I felt at that point of the time when I received that A4 size envelope. I was happy. :')

Bumped into you while you were Q-ing up to buy bubble tea. How I wished I can jump infront of you and shout your name. Eh KHAII!!! How I wished I can do that. But the fact that I know you and her, I was just scared that she's around and if I did that, everything will change. So, I've decided to ignore you and just walked away with regret. Haha. It's funney how we bumped into each other again. But I'm with my poly friends and you with her. And again, I was about to wave and shout at you but again, I'm not going to spoil the mood so I ignored you. The funney thing was, we did eye contact with each other. Opps. :)

I always asked myself this question, are we fated to each other with all this bumping into each other? But all I can say now is, Alhamdulilah, I have already found you. I love you. I miss you. <3

Hijab

"Mane minah tudung tu?"

A friend was once called me this during the 1st year of Poly and when I heard that, I get frustrated and replied in a way that he felt that he's in the wrong.

Well, let me share something about me. When I was a kid, my parents didn't really make a practice of wearing me a hijab. I was like any other kids with gowns,jeans,and you know the bare back clothes? Yes. I wore all of it. When I reached the age of primary school I wore mostly like a guy. Jeans and T-shirt,tucked out and sometimes with a cap. But when I'm at the age of 11, I wake up in the morning and told my mom that I want to wear hijab. Honestly, until now, I don't even know why I want to wear it.

Of course, not everything can be done correctly for the first time. Keep on trying until I got it. Alhamdulilah, with my mom guidance, I wear my hijab as proper like her. Not only I influenced my adik but also I did influenced the cousin both paternal and maternal side too. Alhamdulilah they kept that way until today. Syukran.

You see, hijab is not something you must take it lightly, it is something that allows you to cover your aurat. Aurat. Hair, skins and voice. That's aurat. Correct me if there's more, so far this is what I know. The only parts which are allow to reveal is your face and your two palms. Other than that, it is a must for us,girls to cover it.

I wear hijab because of my own wish and as I learnt along the way, it is also because of Allah. Wearing of hijab is based on your sincerity. Not because, "my mom asked me to wear it, so I wear", "my boyfriend asked me to wear it, so I wear" etc. Some people may took it their family or boyfriend's wishes into consideration and I respect or I think I salute them for that. One way or another, it's up to the individual. :)

There was once people asking me this question,"eh, you not hot ar wearing that on your head? Covered yourself like that?" All I can do is to smile and replied,"nope, I got used to it already." Why do I feel hot when I covered myself from the rays? Just imagined yourself not covered your feet with shoes and you stand under the hot sun. What would you feel? & compared it when you're wearing your shoes. I prefer to say, renung-renungkan lah. :)

Maybe some girls are not ready yet. I accept that. I'm not that perfect to ask other girls to wear. If they have the nawaitu, I'm happy for them and at the same time pray for them. Insyaallah, may their heart open to wear hijab. Sincerely. :)

Maybe some girls didn't quite understand the rules of wearing hijab. Hijab with tight clothes. Hijab with short sleeves. People just give them a stare or a smirk face or maybe just a whattt face. I don't understand this. Pray hard for them to change. Itu hanya ku mampu. & who say the hijab girls cannot dress up? Well, I used to think that it's impossible for us to dress up. There's noway for us to follow the trend. I think it wrongly. In fact, there's so many things to do. You can actually mix and match the clothes and be fashionable.

Ouh, how I love wearing hijab. It's for the sake of Allah. The only one who can really see my aurat is my family and my husband. :) [While typing the word, husband, I straight away think of you, :)]

End.

Welcoming 2012

1st January 2012. 3:21pm. Here I am staying at home on a brand new day of a brand new year. Alhamdulilah, I'm awake and alive. Syukran. :)

I don't really have resolutions cause I will never achieve it nor I will follow it. So 2012, I think, I'm gonna follow a few of resolutions to achieve my dreams. This is the year, I've been waiting for because this is the year where I will graduate soon and I don't have to wake up early morning and travel all the way to the east side. Woohoo. Counting down to October 2012. :)

Let me list down what is my dreams/resolutions for the year 2012.

1) To be less angry and be happy. Less negative and more positive.
2) To graduate with good grades (I want to maintain my GPA).
3) To be more productive. Stop being so lazy.
4) To have my own class 3 driving license. I really want to drive around the town especially with you by my side. Heaven. *<3*
5) To be more girly, I mean to be more feminine than before. (This will take time)
6) To go holiday with friends with boys and girls. Like seriously.
7) Must start to think of my future already. :)
8) To get a new phone with data plan so that I can whatsapping with people easily. ;)
9) To get a better and a secure job once I graduate.
10) To make my parents happy.

For now, 10. I don't know if I can fulfill these dreams in just a year. Insyaallah, I can make it.

I bet, nothing new for 2012. As the year gets older, I don't think I want to get older too. Haha. I'm forever 21 and will be forever young at heart.

The journey has just begun.
& I missed you.
& I missed you badly...
& I love you so much that I can actually fall on my knees and cry and say your name. :'(

This. Has. Never. Happened. To. Me. Before.....