Disappointed

What would you feel when your own dad said something which is hurtful and then you see your adik laughing her ass off straight to your face? What would feel, if your own family demoralized you?

The "you" is actually me. The one in the family who is still schooling while the rest of my siblings have already working and it's time for them to earn their own money. The "you" is actually me. The one who can't do anything but to listen to their statement which is hurtful. I don't know if whatever they said yesterday was just a joke or what but I'm sure, my heart felt so sure that I'm hurt by that. If not, I won't teared. If not, I won't feel like a laughing stock for them. I. Am. Hurt.

I know. I'm not as clever as my adik. She have the brightest brain among the siblings. She always understands better than us the siblings. She finished school first than me. She had her class 3 driving license first than me. I'm her elder sister and yet I'm the last among the siblings. Honestly speaking, as her 2nd eldest sister, I am very proud of her. I am really proud of her. There's no jealousy for her. She passed and I just smiled. Mom warned me not to demoralize her and I obeyed my mom. But when come to my turn. She laughed with her finger pointing at my face. And all thanks to my dad. :'(

I am the slow one. I can't even do mathematics properly during my primary/secondary school days. My languages sucks. I failed almost all the papers during my O levels. Get into ITE and finally Poly. She graduated and I still have another 9 more months to go. During Year 1 n 2 of my poly, where I need to do my Engineering Maths, I asked adik to teach me. I thanked her for that even if she teach me just like that. I am sorry for being the slow one.

I was about to shed tears but I managed to hold back my tears yesterday. There's no point shouting at her. She will shout at me back and all I can do is to keep my mouth shut. There's no point arguing back. There's no point to fight back and debate about me. There's no point at all. I kept quiet straight away and let the parents and adik do the talking. You don't know how hurt I am. You don't know how sad I am. You don't know how disappointed I am with you. I've been tolerating and giving in to you for so many times. And I am still giving in.

In malay,"mengalah". I don't know when can I stop being so good to her. I don't know. Friends called me coward. Maybe I just love her too much till she can't see it. All I need is your support. All I want you is to back me up when dad said like that. All I want you is to show me some respect. But you didn't. I'm disappointed.

Dad, I didn't know that you gonna say something like that. I am sorry for graduating late. But you shouldn't demoralize like that. You shouldn't,dad. Being a good daughter, I didn't talk back after you said like that. I respect you as my dad. But please respect me as your daughter. You don't have to do that in front of that clever girl. I know she's started working and I know you must be proud of her. A teacher. Who doesn't feel proud? I hope you don't compare me and her. I hope no one will compare to each other in the house. We have our own skills and talents and no one is perfect.

Afterall, I have to swallow these even if it's hard to swallow. Just like my antibiotics. Haiz. =/